It's time to get personal on the BUZZNET blog. I usually don't hold anything back, and let you have it all (Life, How a musician boy sucked the life out of me, exciting moments, love, downfalls). I don't have a filter, because I believe that people need to know that they're not alone.
I've been a hot mess recently, and often spend my nights wondering where all my time went. Being busy is an addictive feeling. I've always craved being busy, because I thought it meant being successful towards my dream. I'm hustling everyday will a million and one things, and I'm so thankful.I heard this over the weekend, "You can be busy, but not moving closer to your dreams". Somedays I feel this overwhelming weight about not achieving my future goals. I often feel stuck, stuck in this quick-sand of life. I'm sinking every second of the day, not moving closer to the "dream". People walk by, chat for a bit, but not willing to help you out. Some will step on you, as if you weren't there. Some will try to help, but in the end just get that front office desk spot, and you're back in the ground. I'm always dreaming up these massive plans for me that involved living in L.A or Nashville, interviewing on red carpets, making a fashion line, taking over Late Night, touring the world, inspiring young girls. There's a flame burning rapidly inside my soul, I'm just hoping I can keep it lit.
My problem in life is that I often think I'm order than what I'am. I think my time is running out, and I'm a 34 year old still unmarried. 21 years young.. no college degree. accomplished way more than most people will ever in their life. My stomach gets a knot when I think about being in my 30 years. What if I'm just sitting on a couch, eating potato chips, and hating my "normal" job. I've never been a normal person, I've always believe that I was suppose to do something grand. No matter how great of a Job I have, I'm often thinking I'm suppose to be moving on to this BIG BIG grand mothership of all things. There's always this unsettling feeling, expect when I was on Warped. I never got that feeling, and literally woke up everyday with a smile plastered on my face.
A lot of people around me have been trying to talk me out of those dreams I was talking about earlier. Some of them are people who are extremely close to me, and I'm just not quite sure how to react. I know I will never let someone talk me out of my dreams, but when people get angry it's hard to be strong. I wish people would stop worrying about me, I have my life more figured out than someone in their 30's. All I ask for is a little support, a pat on the back, and a smile that says i'm here no matter what. I haven't gotten that recently and I'm feeling a little defeated. All we want in life is to be successful, and prove to our parents that we did it.
Do you ever have those times when you feel like if you say something it won't come true? People always say put your positive vibes out into the universe. Am I the only person who does this, and than nothing happens? Life man.
Lately, I feel as though I have a lot of toxic people in my life. People who are unsupportive, always wanting to one up you, take everything from you, ask a lot about how you got to the place you're at. I don't mind helping others, but at the same time you got hustle just as hard. Things will never be handed to you. Surrounding yourself with good people is really important! I'm working on cleaning up that part of my life. Listen, if they don't talk to you daily, congratulate you on exciting events, want to honestly know about your life, than they are not your friends. "Friends" gets thrown around like a baseball. Society doesn't even know what a friend is. It's all about who you associate yourself with, who you can use to get to the next level, who you have to play… It's so sickening to think about what that term has come to. Sometimes I feel better alone, than with "friends".
The word associated with relationships has become really foreign to me as well. I don't know, I thought I knew what it meant, how it felt, and when it was real. Not so much anymore. I've been trying to make things work with this one guy, but I'm losing hope.Sometimes, you can't make a relationship happen, no matter how hard you try. And than I was thinking about Mr. LA this weekend. I don't think I've ever admitted it, but I had a moment where I missed him. I was watching an artist perform backstage and Vince Neil walked out and started singing 'Home Sweet Home'. I thought man, _____ would love this and we would both be freaking out. I started to pull out my phone to text him a picture, and than quickly realized that I didn't have his # anymore. I use to text him stuff about this all the time, and now I couldn't even as a friend. It's funny how rapidly things change around you. I than moved to watch Dan + Shay perform and they sang '19 You + Me'. It hit home because I was 19 when everything happend, and it was summer, and my blonde hair was probably swinging to every song he sang. Expect things ended bad, and that song is a happy one. Maybe, I'll keep those moments locked in my head just incase he visits me in my dreams. I might be one of those girls who's not meant to be in a relationship.
Anyways, I just discovered that my Buzznet blog is coming in hot on it's 5th birthday. Such a funny feeling knowing that this blog has had mad success, and helped shaped my future. I wanted to be real and honest with you for a second. I've been thinking a lot about ending my love affair with BUZZNET for a lot of reasons. I've been feeling this disconnect. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm not a BIG (I mean, has a lot of social media followers) Buzzmakers. I get to see some of the things the other Buzzmakers are doing and feel left out a lot of the times. They get handed a lot of cool things here, and I basically have to hustle (email myself) for a lot of the giveaways, exclusive content featured. I'm constantly posting weekly and often feel like it's going unnoticed. I use to think that being a BUZZMAKER meant gaining a title that meant you post really cool content, and a door opens to bigger cooler content. Being that today means having a lot of social media followers. I guess I'm the BUZZNET people Buzzmaker. Here to be the voice of you creative pals! A lot of you guys post really cool content that's better than us, I applaud you… I've seen a lot of you leave, and it makes me sad. I decided that I don't want that. I don't think I could ever fall out of love with this blog. Psssst (I've worked some magic and have a lot of cool giveaways coming up ;)
I hope you stick with me for a bajillion more awesome years! I love getting emails from you, and talking about life. You saying how inspiring this blog is makes me want to hug you and never let go. Cheers to the nobodies trying to make their dreams come true. It's not about being a somebody, it's about doing what you love.
I'm going to leave you with this. Fall in love with your career..not boys. Dig deep for those good people, and never lose your flame. P.S Greetings from Coachella and #TINHOUSE